Hey everyone. I finished my fanfic Part last night, actually, and you can find it
here.
But that's not all!
I wanted to show you a comparison of two versions of the same scene. The first was written back in April (and on interesting note, it was never published), and the second was written last night. I think you can really tell the difference in my technique, and I dare say that the second version is superior.
Without further ado . . .
Scene version 1 (from April)
No one was in the workout rooms as I passed them, and the basement level was empty except for some dust bunnies. I eventually made it down to Spira's section, but I stopped when I heard someone yelling very, very loud. It looked like it would be best if I took my time and saw what was going on, so I dropped my weight low and started tiptoeing forward. As I got closer to Spira's room, the yelling got easier to understand.
“. . . poop-for-brains, soap-eating, dumb-bunny!”
I stopped and just listened for a second. It was Spira, that was for sure, she was ticked and she was cussing? No, what an eight-year-old might call “cussing.”
“Jerk-head, frog-licking meanie!”
No one was arguing back at her, either, so it sounded like she was in the room by herself. What would get her so ticked?
“Dingbat!”
I couldn't help but laugh as I heard her rant with all the worst words a little kid knew. When I got a handle on my laughing, I knocked on the door a couple times. She must not have heard me, because she kept going.
“Boy-kissing, pantie-wetting retard!”
I knocked a couple more times, louder, and I heard a scream from inside.
“Uh, who is it?” Spira asked.
“It's me, A.”
“Oh, uh, hi! Just a second.”
While I waited, I looked around the hallway, seeing all the different pipes and guessing which ones were power and which ones were water. Finally, the door opened and Spira stood there in sweatpants and a too-big t-shirt.
“Hi, A. Uh, please, come on in.”
“K.”
I dropped my stuff to the floor at my usual place by the foot of the bed. A deep breath pulled in the perfume of all the flowers in Spira's room, the fragrance that wasn't like anywhere else.
“What brings you by?” Spira asked, interrupting me.
“To check on you, actually.”
“Oh.”
“You sound like you're doing OK, though. You were really getting, uh, enthusiastic about something.”
Spira turned bright red. “Uh. How much did you hear?”
“'Boy-kissing, pantie-wetting retard?'”
Just when I thought it was impossible, Spira went even redder, making her skin almost match her hair and eyes.
“What was that all about, anyway?”
“I was, well,” Spira said, then she whispered something so low that I didn't hear her.
“You were what?”
She said it again.
“What?”
“I was playing GEO,” she said. “I was getting totally pwned in an arena match.”
I blinked. “Pwned?”
“Power-owned.”
“Still not getting you.”
Spira rolled her eyes. “I was getting beat really bad, OK?”
“Ohhh. OK, yeah, I get you now. It bothers you that bad?”
She looked down and tried to find something to do with her arms. “Sometimes,” she admitted. “I was hoping to just relax with some GEO, but then I logged on and just got totally pw – lost. I lost. Bad.”
“Aw, too bad.”
“Yeah.”
We just sorta stood there for a minute, not making eye contact.
“You, uh, wanna sit down?” she asked.
“Sure.”
The bed creaked underneath me as I sat down on it.
“Geez, they find the oldest mattress they could find for you, or something?” I asked.
“No, not exactly. They actually ran out of new beds, so they gave me the option of taking a new one or having an old one. I figured that someone else would probably need the new one more, so I took this one.”
“Oh. That's really cool of you.”
“Thanks! Just doing what I can to help out around here.”
“So . . .” I started. The subject was probably touchy, sure, but it was the reason I had come down, after all. “Do you wanna talk about what happened at lunch, or do you want to leave it alone?”
Spira frowned and her shoulders slumped. I shot to my feet. “No, it's cool!” I said. “We can talk about something else, I – ”
“It's just hard, that's all, just hard.”
I blinked, not really following.
“Back when my powers came on, back at home, I could feel everyone's emotions. EVERYONE's. It was so hard. I think I nearly lost it.” She looked up at me. “Do you know what it's like to get super, super angry?”
I gulped and thought about my answer.
She got a knowing looking in her eyes. “Oh. You know, you might understand what I'm talking about. So, when you're in the Fury, you get so mad you can't think straight? So mad that all you want to do is hurt something, hurt someone?”
“. . . yeah.”
“It's that way when I feel other people's anger. You see, it's like all this smoke gets into my head, and I can smell the burning wood. But I _hate_ that smell, you know?” Spira eyes started welling up. “I don't want to hurt people. I've never wanted to hurt people, but when that burning smell is everywhere, I . . .”
My arms were wrapped around her shoulders before she could say anything more. She relaxed her head onto my shoulder and let out a couple a sobs, tears trickling down onto my jacket.
“How come you've never said anything about this?” I asked. “We would've kept a lid on things. I know me and Maria and Max would've, anyway.”
“I didn't want to give you guys any trouble. You were so nice to me, back when we met for the first time. I didn't want to turn into a, a, whiny little baby.”
“You, whiny? Forget about it! You're talking to the guy who has nonstop problems and talks about them nearly all the time. And nobody's gotten bent out of shape about that. I figure you'd be fine.
“Besides, Spira, you're great to have around. You're so open and helpful and cheerful. We'd never chase you off.”
Spira sniffled, stepped back, and looked up at me. “Really?”
“Yep.”
Spira's face crinkled up and her lips quivered. I rushed her into another hug as she started bawling.
“What did I say this time?” I asked, holding her tight.
“It's just, that I, you guys, you're just . . . here.”
I hugged her hard and let her cry for as long as she needed to. Somewhere in there, we sorta settled down on the floor beside her bed, and we sat like that for a while, Spira crying.
* * * * *
Okay, here's the second version . . .
Scene Version 2 (from September)
After I got Dickinson and waited at the main doors for a bit, I wedged my way inside and went across the lobby, drawing some glares from the girls in there as I went through, but I didn't let that stop me, and I went on down the stairs to the basement. I passed the gym, and it was empty (which was a little weird), then I went on down toward Spira's room. Before I got all the way there, though, I stopped, hearing something weird. It sounded like someone . . . yelling. Really, really loud. I took a few steps further down the hallway, and I could hear what the person was screaming.
". . . poop-for-brains, soap-eating, dumb-bunny!"
//Wait, what?// I asked myself, tilting my head and listening closer. From what I could tell, it was Spira, and she was . . . cussing. Sorta. More like grade-school cussing.
"Jerk-head, frog-licking meanie!"
I couldn't help but snicker. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, but there wasn't anyone yelling back.
//Phone call, maybe?//
"Dingbat!"
A laugh just spilled out of me that time. She sounded just like a little kid. Had she never learned how to cuss? I tried to choke the laughing down while I tiptoed up to her door. Once I got calmed down, I knocked, but I guess she didn't hear me because she kept going.
"Boy-kissing, pantie-wetting retard!"
My laugh took some of the force out of the knock, but I managed. I jumped when I heard a scream from inside.
"Uh, who is it?" Spira asked, sounding off-kilter.
"It's me, A."
"Oh, uh, hi! Just a second."
While I waited, I looked around the hallway, tracing along the paths of pipes and cables and trying to guess which ones were water and which ones were power. Or maybe some where internet stuff, too. After a while, the door opened, and Spira stood there in sweatpants and a Orlando Suns t-shirt that was huge on her.
"Hi, A," she said, still sounding a little off. "Uh, please, come on in."
"K."
Without a thought, I dropped my stuff at my spot in front of her bed. The mix of sweet and strong scents hit me, the floral presence the very thing that told me I was in Spira's room. I'd recognize it anywhere.
"What's up?" she asked.
I smiled a little. "Came to check on you, actually."
"Oh."
"You sound like you're doing okay, though," I said, grinning. "You were getting really, uh, enthusiastic about something."
Spira's face turned so red it nearly matched her hair. ". . . how much did you hear?"
After I cleared my throat softly and broke eye contact, I quoted, "'Boy-kissing, pantie-wetting retard?"
She turned even redder, and her skin _did_ match her hair! I had to stifle a laugh, not because I thought it was silly. Not at all -- it was unbelievably cute.
"What was all that about, anyway?" I asked.
"Oh, that, well, I . . ." she said, then she mumbled something so softly I couldn't hear it.
"What was that?"
It sounded like she said the same thing again, but I couldn't really tell.
"Sorry?"
"I was playing GEO," she nearly whispered. "And I was getting totally pwned in an arena match."
I blinked. "Pwned?"
"Power-owned."
". . . I'm still not getting you."
Spira rolled her eyes. "Someone was beating me really, really bad, okay?"
"Ohhh. It was bothering you that bad, huh?"
She looked down and shifted her arms around a bit before finally settling for letting them hang down as she sighed.
"Sometimes it does," she said, looking embarrassed but not as red as before. "I was hoping to just blow off some steam, ya know? But I logged in and just got totally pw – beat. Really bad."
I sighed. "I know what that's like."
Her eyes widened in comprehension. "You do, don't you."
"Yeah," I said, giving her a look. She wilted a little.
"Sorry," she said, her bottom lip quivering a little. "Forget I said anything . . ."
"No, it's cool!" I said, laughing awkwardly. We just sorta stood there for a minute after I stopped, not making eye contact.
"You, uh, wanna sit down?" she asked.
"Sure."
As I sat down, the bed complained with a metallic groan.
"Sheez. They give you the oldest bed in the cottage, or something?" I asked.
"Not really," she said, grinning softly as she sat down, too. "They actually ran out of new beds, so they gave me the option of taking one of the new ones or having one of the old ones. I figured someone else could use the new one, so I went with the old one."
"Wooow. That's really cool of you, Spira."
"Thanks!" she said, smiling. "Just trying to make the place a little better any way I can."
"That's really cool of you, like I said."
She grinned at me, and we sat there for a bit. Finally, I decided to get down to business.
"So, um, Spira."
"Yeah?" she said, curiosity shining in her eyes.
"Do you . . . do you wanna, you know, talk about what happened at breakfast? If you don't, I can just leave it alone, no problem."
When she breathed out, it sounded a little choked, like there were tears coming.
"Forget I said anything, then! We can talk about something else, I – "
"It's hard, A," she said, tears sparkling in her eyes. "I think I said it before, but it is. Super-hard."
Since I couldn't think of anything to say, I just stayed quiet and put my hand on hers, and she grabbed on.
"Back when my powers came on," she said, her voice getting more choked up. "I could feel e-everyone's emotions. EVERYONE's," she said, looking straight at me. I nodded and let her go on.
"It was so hard," she said, looking back down. "I think I nearly went nuts back then. Do you know what it's like to get super, super-angry?"
I gulped and thought about my answer.
"O-oh," she said, looking into my eyes for a second, then she nodded. "You know, don't you? When you're in the Rage, or Fury, or whatever, you get so mad you can't think straight? So mad that you wanna do is hurt someone?"
I sighed and squeezed her hand. "Yeah."
"It's that way for me, in some ways," she said, squeezing my hand back. "You see it's like . . . it's like all this smoke gets into my head, and I can smell the stuff that's burning. But I _hate_ that smell!" she said, her eyes welling up. "I don't want to hurt people. I've never wanted to hurt people, but when that burning smell is everywhere . . ."
Saying anything would've been pointless, so I just wrapped my arms around her. She relaxed her head onto my shoulder and let out a couple sobs, tears trickling down onto my jacket. After that, I just held her there, pulling her a little closer.
"How come you've kept quiet about this?" I asked.
"I didn't want to give you g-g-guys any trouble," she said, sniffling. "You were so n-nice to me, back when we met. I didn't want to turn into a-a w-whiny baby."
"You whiny?" I asked, smiling down at her. "Forget about it! You're talking to the guy who has nonstop problems and talks about them nearly all the time. And nobody's gotten ticked about that. I figure you'd be fine. Besides, you're great to have around! We'd never chase you off."
Spira sat back and wiped her eyes. "Really?" she asked, looking at me.
"Yep!"
Her bottom lip really started going, but I had her wrapped in my arms against before she started back up.
"What did I say this time?" I asked, honestly confused.
"It's j-just, that I, you guys, y-y-you're . . . here."
I kissed her on the forehead. "Yeah, we are. And don't you forget it!"
"Not a chance," she said, snuggling into me.
We just sat there for a while, and I let her go for as long as she needed to.
* * * * *
And there you have it! See which one's better, or, at the very least, see what changes in technique the intervening time between the first and second editions has made.
Till next time,
-Aranis-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
peaceful
okay
energetic
accomplished
productive
busy
confused
frustrated
pissed off
exhausted
disappointed
